textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
farters have to be the big spoon...
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
