he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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