How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
