i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Last time i carry you out of a forest
don't judge my taste in strippers
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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