Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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