No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
