Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
