There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
