At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Randomize
