So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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