I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
