Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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