I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?