I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
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I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
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He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?