This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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