The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Just high enough for therapy.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Enjoy the penises
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!