Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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