she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
