Umm I'm too high to move.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
