my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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