you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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