hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
