My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
