WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
