It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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