There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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