woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
17 year olds will be the death of me.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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