I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
