so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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