Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I am midnight drunk by noon
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
