she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
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