the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize