my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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