Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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