It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
