I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
