when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
