She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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