sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
