And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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