John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
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