Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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