haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
