his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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