I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
