I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
