Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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