if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
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