sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
