life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
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i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
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I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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