that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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