We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
