fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
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