I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
