yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.