I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
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well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
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I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home