I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
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Sex on roller skates
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
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I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.