Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Randomize
