Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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