someone owes me an orgasm
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Randomize
