Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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