If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I didn't notice because vodka
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
