I wish I could teleport
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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