This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
